Our week in Branson was a lot like the Arabian Nights tale of the lowly shoemaker who killed seven flies with one swat. He was so proud of his feat that he put a sign in his store window saying, “KILLED SEVEN WITH ONE BLOW!” The word quickly spread to the king and then, yadda-yadda-yadda, the shoemaker ended up marrying the king’s daughter. Well, our equally stunning feat was that in Branson, WE SAW SEVEN SHOWS IN SEVEN NIGHTS!WHEW!
That ought to get us some royal notice.
We started off our week in old-folks-Disneyland with a walk by their “Hollywood Wax Museum,” drawn near by a massive King Kong climbing the side of the building. Note that we did not go in. We` may be suckers, but we’re not “stupid” suckers. We also copped a picture there of the Mount Rushmore of Hollywood: John Wayne, Marilyn Monroe, Charlie Chaplin, and Elvis.
Diedre surprised me by opting for dinner at the marvelous “Cake and Cream,” a fifties malt-shop that had more sugar-free desserts than I had ever seen in my nascent two years as a diabetic. I topped off the meal with my first ever, store-bought, sugar-free chocolate sundae. This place should be a Mecca for all of us diabetics, making annual pilgrimages here to pray at the low-glucose altar. 
Show #1 (I’ll number them to help you better keep track, especially if you’re scoring at home): The best show we saw all week and the only real headliners in town were the venerable Oak Ridge Boys, stars since our hoary youth. Buying tickets the afternoon of the show, we didn’t expect much for seating. However, there was a big group who didn’t show, so we were encouraged to move closer to the stage. We were able to improve our position big-time by going from row 29 to row 13The Oak Ridge Boys did a very nice show. We even got to sing along with their mandatory rendition of their most famous song, “Elvira.” Being the modest sort I am (and with a really bad singing voice), I just lip-synced. Nobody was any the wiser.
The next night we started off similarly with a fine dinner, this time at the India Clay Oven establishment. Both our meals were nice and spicy. We then made our way over to Show #2, this time at the Mickey Gilley Theatre. Although Mickey wasn’t in town,we did get to see a very fun show called ”SIX". It has been knighted as “The Best Show in Branson” two years running. It stars six brothers, six voices, and zero musical instruments. They verbally create the music to accompany their singing. One brother did all the drums and percussion. His jaws had to be exhausted after the two-hour performance. And once again, we were able to improve our position, this time by 10 rows. We ended up in row 5 at the left hash mark.OK, you may know that our girl Diedre’s big birthday (I won’t say which one, but as a cryptic clue, I will let it slip that it’s the one where the government gives you a Medicare card) was coming up on Tuesday, September 23. Ergo, this whole week in Branson has been dubbed “Diedre’s Gala Birthday Week,” and boy, let me tell you, she’s taking advantage of it. But one thing she doesn’t know is that I have a plan named “SSGSPOAT,” which stands for “Super Secret Greatest Surprise Party Of All Time.” It’s going to be great and it’s going to be tonight. If you’re interested, keep reading today’s (Friday’s) blog.
We moved on to old Branson to have breakfast at our second choice, a fun little place called “The Old Farm House.” Then while DK got her nails done, I went into show-ticket-mode to get ducats for the remaining five shows, surprise and otherwise, for “Birthday Week, 2014” (copyright Kaye and Stuart). I came back in time to tour the massively retro “Dick’s Old Time 5 & 10” with Diedre. Dick’s is absolutely full to the rafters of fun, nostalgic things like Lucy and Ethel lunch boxes. It’s as if Mayberry of the 1960’s lives on.(SPOILER ALERT: “SSGSPOAT” is coming up.)
Unbeknownst to Diedre, I had purchased tickets that day for an evening cruise/dinner/show on the Branson Belle Showboat (Show #3) on Table Rock Lake. I did tell her where we were going. However, I did NOT tell her I had purchased FOUR tickets instead of two.
The mystery thickens.
The Branson Belle is huge: four stories high and 278’ long. It can service 700 passengers.Abandoning my miserly, coupon-only spending ways, I got us seated at the VIP table. Suitably elevated and dead center with no one in front of us, these were easily the best seats in the house. Diedre wanted to know who I was and what I had done with her beloved Alexx.
After ordering off an extensive menu (something offered only to us VIP-types; everyone in steerage got the same gruel), I convinced Diedre we had time to go up to the fourth deck and take a look at the water and shoreline as the sun was setting. Once there, we got some wonderful views of the lake.And the mystery was now almost fully gelled.
As we leaned on the railing while enjoying the lake’s scenery, a ship's officer appeared.
“Are you Diedre Kaye?” he asked.
After I assured him I wasn’t, he asked the same question of my wife. He said the captain wanted to see her. Now, I had earlier let it slip to DK that there was a chance she might have to go on stage that night and be part of the show, so she immediately figured it either had something to do with what I had said earlier, or she thought I might be trying to recreate the first meeting of her parents some 75 years ago when dad Fritz was a radio operator on a Mississippi River passenger boat and mom Barty was an attractive young college grad. Fritz saw her and was immediately entranced by her beauty, so he had a note sent to Barty saying there was a telegram for her in the radio operator’s office. One thing led to another and before they knew it, 16 years had gone by and they had four kids. Well, either way, she didn’t think it was that unusual, so she willingly went with the officer.
As she started to go down the stairs, there at the bottom was …
SSGSPOAT!!
Good food and a very good show followed as our girl was truly surprised and stayed so for several days to come.The next day being Saturday, I figured it would be a real girls' day as they’d probably go out into Branson for a tour of the Day-Glow Mop Factory, high tea, and a lecture on beading and crocheting. But they crossed me up, instead opting for some serious shopping, sushi, and wine. While they were doing that, I had an equally fun time getting Zippy’s oil changed.
Yeah, I lead a life close to that of George Clooney’s.
Only, when we got there, although we WERE in the 5th row … well, of course, there were only FIVE rows in the entire place. In essence, we were in the last row. Still, not bad seats.
All four of us were dressed western, at least as western as three Midwesterners and an English socialite can be. We toured Dolly’s extensive and immaculate stables pre-show to familiarize ourselves with that evening’s stars … at least the four-legged variety.
The show was set up in a rodeo corral with the aforementioned five rows of seats surrounding it. Each row had one long table in front of the seats. Food was served while the show went on. And regarding the food, well, they did make a curious choice for their massive dinner:there was no silverware.
Yes, the geniuses at Dolly’s Stampede decided we were eating all finger food, or so they claimed. It was quite interesting doing battle with an entire broasted chicken, potatoes, and soup, all solely with your fingers and all in near-total darkness. I felt like we were at a kids’ Halloween party.
We were up early Sunday to meet the SSGSPOAT ladies for breakfast before they flew home. We dined at the Belgian Pancake House and had a fine breakfast. Mary and Jo really made DK’s Medicare-birthday something she will never forget.
That night we dined at an average seafood buffet called “Starvin’ Marvin’s.” I doubt owner Marvin’s starvin’ as he overcharges and under serves. Then it was on to Show #5: "Legends in Concert" which was billed as “The World’s Greatest Love Tribute Show!” The performance was held at Dick Clark’s American Bandstand Theater. It included bands and back-up dancers. Tonight’s pretenders featured a faux Kenny Chesney as well as Michael Buble, the Blues Brothers, Marilyn Monroe, and Elvis.
Being a big time “Saturday Night Live” guy, I loved the Blues Brothers. Their Elwood was so good, he not only reminded me of Dan Ayckroyd, but even more so of Tom Koelbel who played Elwood for the Phoenix sketch comedy troupe, “The Early Bird Special,” for which I was the head comedy writer for five years.Their Marilyn Monroe was excellent. She’s always been one of Diedre’s favorite actresses. This MM had a very good voice and quick, clever repartee with some old guy (at least older than me) whom she got up on stage. Their Elvis didn’t look much like “The King,” but if you closed your eyes, his voice would have had you believing you were in a Sun Studio’s recording session with Mr. Presley.
All in all, a fun night.
Birthday week rumbled on. Monday’s dinner was one of Diedre’s favorites: fried oysters at the Outback Steak and Oyster Bar. They were excellent as were my chicken-kabobs. We’ll have to try the Outback by our movie house back in Scottsdale if we, like Marco Polo, ever make it home.
After a quick Branson photo-op with former President Ronald “Dutch” Reagan, we were off to Show #6: “#1 Hits of the 60's … & 50’s Too” at the Caravelle Theatre. They were doing their 12th season of recreating the days of bobby-soxers, greasers, and Viet-Nam protests. It made me think: I wonder if in the far future, they’ll ever be doing a show looking back at the songs of 2000-2009. What will they call it?“Hits of the O’s”?
We had been told that the evening would be the most fun we would have in Branson. As my buddy Strauss would say, “Meh.”
“Hits” has been voted the best matinee show in Branson two years running. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not. This show had a little bit of everything: British Invasion, Motown, California Surfin’, Maori war chants … OK, maybe not that last one.
By now, Diedre and I had decided that all the shows in Branson operate along the same basic script. It’s like they’re on auto pilot. Each one goes like this:
1- at the start, they want you to say “hello,” but it’s never loud enough the first time, so you have to yell it twice;
2- they all eventually drag some poor unsuspecting soul (a senior almost always) up on stage and somehow embarrass him;
3- they constantly encourage us to “help them out” with a song by clapping. Hey, we’re paying THEM to entertain us, not the other way around, so why do we have to be part of the entertainment? DAGNABIT! (Universal phrase for Diedre and me when we’re acting far too old for our age);
4- then it’s time for an “audience participation game,” and it’s always a “lame” game … again, WE are paying to see them entertain us, not to see some boob from Boise, Idaho, try to sing an octave above a screech;
5- then there are the mandatory tributes to religion and America;
6- they then recognize our veterans by having them stand up and take a bow; as a former army reservist, I was standing up and down so often that my suspenders finally broke;
7- all performers have one rendition or another, but it’s always a joke about seniors not being up to date on computers, facebook, or cell phones (true as it may be);
8- another joke they tell is a bad one that nobody likes so that they can say, “Ooh, nine people got that one.”;
9- and finally, there’s the obligatory standing ovation no matter how weak the show was. Diedre and I are fairly strict about who gets standing O’s, so it’s always a little bit insulting to see s.o.’s given for absolutely every performance.
And now … the REAL celebration: Tuesday, September 23, 2014, DK’s official Medicare birthday. Today would be “no holds barred,” “no time limit,” and “loser leaves town.” It was going to be CR-AZY!
We started off with a genuine hill-billy breakfast at Billy Gail’s. But the highlight of the day was soon to come: we were going ZIP-LINING!Yes, the two of us would be zip-lining today so that Diedre can forever say that she went zip-lining ON her 65th birthday. The location would be the Branson Zipline Canopy Tours at Wolfe Creek Preserve. It was about seven miles north of Branson and was billed as an Ozarks eco-adventure with professionally trained guides. We had once again gotten extravagant and opted for the most expensive outing, “The Xplorer Canopy Tour,” which included seven ziplines on ten sky-bridges. The 2.5-hour tour even included an eco-friendly snack break consisting of some kind of birdseed-granola bar and water. I was stuffed for a week.
The tour started off with a ride to the top of the mountain in a Swiss Army Troop Carrier. And you know how tough those Swiss Army neutralists can be with those deadly Swiss Army knives.
And then it was “veni, zippi, vinci”: we came, we zipped, we conquered. .
After a hard day of zip-lining, there’s nothing better than a FREE Krispy Kreme Donut, for which I just happened to have a coupon and which I was allowed to gastronomically “cheat” with on this day. Apparently my lovely wife was in a particularly giddy, birthday mood.
YAY, 65!From there we did our last minute scrambling to see such classic Branson sites as the Andy Williams Moon River Theatre.
After that, “kitschy” sites was more like it. First, it was the world-famous “pig-butt” sign which I don’t get at all. Then we found the world’s largest banjo. Next was the Titanic (1/2-scale replica and still buoyant). And finally we made it to a very falling apart “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” museum. I must emphasize again that we did not go into these last two places but had to take the necessary photographs just to entertain you, our dear blog readers.
Tuesday night’s actual birthday dinner was held at “Mitsu Niko,” a sushi place (DK’s all-time favorite food). And this place was very good, even without any surprise guests. Their sushi blue fire roll was out-DARN-standing! Diedre, in fact, claimed their sushi to be “THE BEST EVER!” The place, of course, was run by a couple who were … RUSSIAN?!Wait … what?
Moving on.
Tonight’s show was the #7 (and final) show of the highly acclaimed “Diedre Hits 65 Tour.” We were going to see “The Shoji Tabuchi Show” at the Shoji Tabuchi Theatre which has been playing Branson for 26 years. The unusual highlight of this show were their fancy, VERY fancy Shoji Tabuchi restrooms which were right across from the Shoji Tabuchi concession stand and next to the Shoji Tabuchi janitor’s closet. The restrooms were even featured on “Good Morning, America.” Inside there were five cushy easy chairs, chandeliers, potted palms, beveled glass wall tiles, onyx sinks, fresh orchids, and even, now get this, a hand-carved mahogany pool table.
Now THAT’S lounging! .The star of the show was, of course, Shoji Tabuchi, a Japanese-born, classically trained violinist (at age seven) who loves country music. The show turned out to be an odd combination of a Japanese-violin (fiddle) playin’ country singer … and “singer” is giving him all the best of it. His English was so broken, I’d have to call it “shattered.” Nevertheless, our birthday girl was excited to have her picture taken with the great man … “Shoji Tabuchi,” just in case you forgot.
Enough said about Branson.
Our next blog will consist of stops that include (number of nights at each in parentheses) McAlester, OK (1); Dallas, TX (3); Amarillo, TX (1); Albuquerque, NM (2); and Flagstaff, AZ (1). I know, that’s not quite our usual Sunday to Sunday scheduling. It’s just that getting back to AZ through the southwest is a long trek with not a whole lot of places to go. Nevertheless, I WILL entertain you with sparkling tales about the World’s Largest Ball of Twine in Amarillo and the National Linoleum Festival in McAlester.
I bet you can hardly wait.
